How much heartbreak is too much?
Roughly six months ago, my boyfriend at the time (let's call him M) called it quits. M and I were in a long distance relationship. And in hindsight, long distance is just as doomed as everyone makes it out to be. It is literally nothing more than a tunnel with not even the slightest semblance of light at the end. But M and I disregarded this ill fate because we were in love. We dragged out this thing called love for two years. We rode in cars and flew in planes and sat on trains for hours just to see each other. We went out to lots of dinners - some pleasant and some not-so-pleasant. We kissed just as much as we fought. We broke up and then got back together and then broke up and then got back together. And then we actually broke up.
I went through a slight crisis when I reached that realization. It was like "Oh, so this isn't a game? We're really broken up?" It didn't particularly help that it happened while I was living in an apartment the size of a shoebox in the East Village. I couldn't sleep or eat or get through a subway ride without shedding a tear. I channeled all of my negative energy into starting this blog (no but seriously) and watching virtually every season that exists of My So-Called Life.
And then I fell into the inevitable rebound black hole for a few months. By the time I realized it was all wrong for me it was already too late: I had hurt someone else. I dilly dallied for the rest of the summer, flittering from one boy to the next. In a way I was living out the fantasy that every girl has of being a heartless boy magnet. I figured out that I could enchant the opposite sex without getting attached. He always wants to see me and he always says nice things to me and well, it's cool I guess. I mean, it's whatever. How long can you keep up the heartless boy magnet mindset? Not very long before someone burns you and you're reminded again of what it's like to be a human being. Ouch! And here I am, happy to have survived the last six months, and just beginning to understand and cherish being on my own (love really is the last thing I'm looking for).
Above is a mix dedicated to heartbreak because it ultimately makes us better at being human beings. The songs range from feelings of longing to sadness to anger to downright denial. I chose to open this mix with My Parasol's cover of "Tears On My Pillow" because it embodies the I-want-you-back stage of delusion every heartbroken person falls victim to. And oldies like Etta James' "Stormy Weather" and Skeeter Davis' "The End Of The World" appear on here for those of you who feel especially dramatic about lost love.
Written by Diana Cirullo
Written by Diana Cirullo
